John McCloy

A very cloying guy…

John McCloy was an unrepentant right-winger of the most reprehensible kind. Here are just some of his life’s highlights:

  1. Friend of world-class A-of-H Adolf Hitler, with whom he attended the 1936 Olympics in Berlin.
  2. Fought hard—and succeeded—to get early-release for convicted Nazi mass-murderers he had befriended at Nuremberg trials.
    • Especially loved Einsatzgruppe commanders who shot hundreds of thousands of Jews and led mobile killing squads.
  3. Fought hard—and succeeded—to prevent U.S. from bombing the railroad tracks leading to Auschwitz during WWII. Why? Here’s some simple math to think about:
    • Auschwitz was a huge purchaser of Zyklon B, the poison gas used to slaughter people in its gas chambers.
    • Zyklon B was manufactured by I.G. Farben.
    • I.G. Farben retained the superlative legal counsel of guess who? You got it—Jack McCloy!
  4. Pals with Nazi-loving millionaire Henry Ford (AOH).

Benjamin Ferencz, Chief Prosecutor for the Einsatzgruppen Trial, wrote a letter to McCloy on December 17, 1951 after McCloy, the U.S. High Commissioner in Germany, freed a bunch of Nazi murderers after only 6 years in prison (McCloy later lied and said he was not responsible for this):

I notice in this morning’s paper that a group of our Landsberg friends have been given their freedom as a Christmas present. These include… 3 Einsatzgruppen boys, Schubert, Jost and Nosske.

… You may recall that the deadline for cleaning up Simferopol was Christmas 1941 and that Schubert managed to kill all the Jews by then. So for Christmas 10 years later he goes Scot free. Who says there is no Santa Klaus?

Nosske was the one whom the other defendants called “the biggest bloodhound of all”… Now Nosske is free to join former General Jost whose command ordered a 4th gas van when the 3 in operation executing women and children were insufficient to do the job properly.

Noel, Noel, what the hell.*

General Telford Taylor, who had been Chief Counsel for the Prosecution at the Nuremberg, wrote that the commutation of the sentences were “a blow to the principles of international law and concepts of humanity for which we fought the war.”*

*Bloxham, Donald. Genocide on Trial: War Crimes Trials and the Formation of Holocaust History and Memory. Oxford, Oxfordshire: Oxford University Press, 2001 (162).


Our next A-Hole is one of human history’s biggest. Born Joseph Vissarionovich Jugashvili in 1878, he eventually changed his last name to Stalin, meaning–not unlike TV’s Superman–“Man of Steel.” He was born a bastard, and there has been great speculation about who his real father was. The 3 leading contenders include a wrestling champ, a priest, and a cop. If this sounds like an old William Bendix movie, you are correct.

After grade school, Joseph won a scholarship to seminary since his overly-frisky Mom thought he would make a good priest. He worked his way through school as a wedding singer–no criticism of Adam Sandler–and was said to have a lovely voice. Discovering poetry and Marxism, Joseph quit the seminary just before graduation. A whole bunch of his fellow students were also expelled for their Marxist activities. Joseph took the opportunity to organize the would-be priests into a merciless street gang and established a Mafia-like protection racket in town.

He organized other rebellions and demonstrations, spent time in jail, where he organized the prisoners, and was released just in time for the Russian Revolution. He helped raise money for the cause using the time-honored techniques of robbery and kidnapping.

Joe joined Lenin’s Bolshevik faction around 1907, and was constantly arrested and sent to penal colonies. In 1913, during one of these exiles, he hooked up with a 13-year old girl named Lidia, and got her pregnant. Twice. Joseph was 35 at the time.

He became head of the Soviet Communist Party in 1922, and when buddy Lenin died in 1924, he took over, beating odd-man-out Leon Trotsky. One trick was to tell Trotsky the wrong day for Lenin’s funeral, which caused Trotsky to lose face.

In the 1930s, Stalin conducted “The Great Purge” in which about 1.2 million citizens were arrested, imprisoned and executed. It turns out Joseph loved to kill. This habit helped him consolidate absolute power by the late ’30s.

Two of Joe’s favorite achievements were the widespread use of secret police, and the vast implementation of international spying.

to be continued…


Our first honorary “Asshole of History” is none other than Benito Mussolini. He brought shame, ruin, and destruction upon the illustrious nation of Italia before and during WWII.

Pals with fellow dictators Hitler and Franco, Mussolini served as Prime Minister of Italy from 1922 until 1943. After allying his country with Nazi Germany and weathering a series of military disasters, he was finally kicked out of office by his own government. Italy quickly switched sides and joined the Allies. Hitler put Mussolini under protective custody and encouraged him to start a tiny fascist regime in northern Italy. Which he did.

The discredited dictator attempted to flee the country in 1945, unwisely choosing a German uniform as a disguise. Mussolini was captured by partisan forces and summarily executed. His unfortunate remains were the subject of repeated body-snatchings.

Mussolini’s rather attractive granddaughter Alessandra is currently a neo-fascist member of the European Parliament.